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Arrived to London just two days ago and things have been intense. The flight home with Mark was great, I love spending time with him, he slept for most of the first flight, i slept for most of the second one. However, by the end of the flights I think both of us were tired and a little grumpy - I was.
We arrived at 6.40, made it home at around 9, slept until maybe 4 I think, I called Jon's mom, only to find he is gone forever since May 14th. Eventhough, I was familiar with what he was thinking about, it is hard for me to not have questions, to be at peace... I find myself thinking about him at the oddest times, he sent me an email just hours before and I didn't read the signs. I dont feel guilty, I just...I dont know, I feel impotent, I feel angry, I dont understand many things and eventhough I have considered it myself, I dont think I could ever have the guts to actually carry it out and I hoped he didnt either. I am truly devastated, trying not to let it out because I dont want Mark to get carried by this either, its just soooo hard having one of your best friends go...I thought our trip had given him reasons to stay and enjoy all the wonderful things that exist...I suppose it was never enough. I am guessing the only thing I can do right now is just do what I always did in our friendship, respect his decision and accept him for what he was and meant to me.
I will never write about him again.
Yesterday and today have been a little easier, I am learning to cook, practicing a little culinary, keeping the flat clean and nice...
I was going to write about my three days but now everything seems a little too much.
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| 2006-06-07 at 4:23 p.m. |
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